P: Hello Dan and Phil games' snacks D: And welcome back to Dan and Phil's prison on wheels P: It's not a prison we've blinged out now, I mean look at all of this D: You can't tell there's a little DNP there are and a houseplant he can't kill although an exclusive just for you guys D: We do actually have a real life succculent P: We do and it's still alive!!! D: For now. P: I touched it now it's gonna die D: it's cause Phil's not in charge P: Hey!
So I called you a snack not because you look nice but which you probably do! D: Did you just call our subscribers ugly? P: NoO D: I'm sure you're all snacks and I apologize for Phil. P: You're all spicy snaccs.. NO P: I called you a snack because we are playing Food Fantasy! D: Ohh yes from the makers of Love Nikki our favorite anime girl fashion role-playing game who have sponsored this video D: What is it? P: It's an adventure game about food. D: That's also the story of my life P: Yeah, where you play as food souls based on food like salad or sandwich or orange juice D: Wait you pLaY as a sandwich?! P: No, no you play as like cute anime characters representing the concept D: oH oBvioUsLy P: - of a sandwich D: Righttt so you play as an anthropomorphic anime sandwich P: Yeah! D: So it's like furry art but for food P:it's like a foodie! That's what I am D: We just invented being a foodie P: We did D: we didn't invent it, you know that's out there somewhere.. P: What would your foodsona be? D: A single piece of stale licorice play here. P: You'd be the Black Forest gateau D: No that's too fun P: Is it? D: Ye P: Stale licorice! D: something that you stood on P: I would be fizzy bubble gum ice cream sundae P: But coming up later.. I thought we could play a little game D: Explain P: Mystery marshmallow roulette P: It's not really a mystery it's more like marshmallow roulette D: Can I know wHY this is here P: You'll see later D: Well, that's something to stay tuned for okay P: Muahaha let's open this baby up (in a thicc northern accent) P: That sounded weird D: Please never say that again. P: That's my character. That's Phillyy in the top corner D: You are the t- the tiny cat. P: I am the tiny cat D: more like cattatouille (weird old man laugh) P: Ohhh D: I'll be on this bus for another month. P: So this is sandwich D: Right okay P: I don't know why he is the concept of being a sandwich. D: How is that a sandwich?! Okay P: A good example is Salad D: oh... P: Sat in a bowl of salad! D: *wheezing in the corner* P: I wonder if she nibbles that or if that's like part of her body. D: See that tells me an entire picture right there D: Young Saladkun left her family's beet farm to go start up a small business in a city P: Yeah D: And that is why she's crying herself to sleep in a basket P: Looks quite comfy P: One of my faves is bamboo rice D: Wow P: He's ultra rare D: Bamboo rice needs to put his thighs away. P: He does. I mean if he opens- D: So what is bamboo rice? P: If he sat on a bus with his legs apart you're gonna see something D: That's antisocial P: Here's Milk P: Milk is great cause she heals D: Who's this one? P: This is you Dan D: Red wine!?! Oh my god everybody's favorite hot topic worker P: Yes D: Red wine. Why does this guy have horns? P: Steak D: Steak.. jus-just st- *old man wheeze* P: Steak P: He's got his abs out and he's got TWO swords! D: It is a flame grilled steak people, he is burger king in this bish P: He's actually the guy that I've got on my main page D: Okay P: Steak and you can talk to him just tap his abs S: Your only responsibility is to be happy Both: *Flustered by Steak's sexy words* D: Just grill me up. Are they all British or is that just Steak? P: No, they all have their own voice actors P: You can also change their voices into Japanese as well if you want the true anime experience. S: *speaks in aggressive Japanese* D: But what is the actual game aside from just looking at anime characters? P: Well it's a combination between a battle game and a restaurant management game? D: Finally the combination of my two favorite things. P: Yeah D: Restaurant management and violence P: It's the two things everyone needed P: So here's the restaurant we haven't built it yet so- D:Saloon vibes okay P: We need to decorate it D: There's decorating?! P: The thing is- Yes D: Give me the phone right now! P: So this is the restaurant I left empty for us but- D: Who's this old man? P: Oh, he's just a visitor. D: Is he a trapped elderly person? P: Yeah he's got nowhere to sit D: Phil this is a pretty bad restaurant If we're letting old people get lost and die P: Let's put some for some tables down! P: Right check out the shop, Dan D: Floors P: Ooof D: Ooo Christmas stars D: No!! P: Not appropriate Santa will kill us. D: What the hell is time scars? P: That sounds like Dan's wrinkles P: *Wheezes at his own joke* D: I don't have wrinkles D: But I will after this tour D: I'm gonna go with pavilion because it looks classy like me. D: Can we get Orient world? P: Yas D: That sounds pretty amazing D: AND A CANDLE sorry P: Okay, you chose a candle I get to choose something for myself D: A candle is all you need P: No! D: To make an incredible beautiful tasteful restaurant P: Look Dan.. ooo we could get an ice table D: No- *makes a distressed noise* oh my gOD why does he ruin every design related thing? P: Ooo a thick bush, a crystal, A NUT CANNON D: *inhales aggressively* D: BUT OKAY- P: I'm getting the nut cannon D: -NEVER SAY THICK BUSH AGAIN and also n- P: Nut cannon *rip headphone users* D: WHAT THE HELL is a nut cannon?
0 Comments
we've taken him to the bustling Heartland Brewery in Times Square. [ Laughing ] Joe... I hate when you guys have the giggles. ...you are a manager and you're on break. I'm on...
It's not what you think. Some of the tables upstairs are ours, and they break. Go break the tables. The other ones that aren't ours, what happens to those? -Don't -- Don't -- -They don't break. So, don't break. Well, I guess they could break. -All right, buddy. -All right, here he is. It's lunch time with your busy Times Square crowd, and among all of these tables, only eight of them break. Q: Good luck finding them. Everybody's doing okay? -Yeah. -Yeah? -Good, great. Joe, just say, "I'm a manager". I'm a manager, so, anything you need. So, the people sitting at "our" tables are with us. The rest of the customers are real and have no idea what's happening. But Joe, all the tables look the same. I was hoping that would've been a misstep. No. No, no. I mean, I got to try this table. I'm going to try this table, with the dude, here. -There he goes. -Everything okay? What'd you get there? The beef stroganoff? Meatloaf. Sorry about that. You know, I could -- I could find out if... they could get you another burger. Yeah, I could find out. We might have some in the -- We were getting a delivery. [ Laughter ] The table's not just gonna crumble if you put five pounds of pressure on it. We're gonna need you to go full -- airborne. Oh, my God. [ Laughter ] Murr: That's a fail, bud. We got a broken glass up front. -Look at the guy's face! -Oh, he's pissed. We'll get you another water, there. We'll clean that up. Well, good thing you got the raincoat on 'cause you got a little wet with the water. Sorry. I got to clean this up. This is a little slippery. Oh, the floor's slippery? Careful. I didn't realize there was so much water on the... Whoops. [ Laughter ] Sal: He went down like a dead body. That's unfortunate. We're gonna need another table. I'm a manager. People are in disbelief. -And this place is dead quiet. -You're not done yet. That's just one. I'm the manager. Yeah, just checking to make sure it's sturdy. [ Laughter ] Yeah, that's good. That's solid. That's a for-sure-ski. But he just laid in their plates. -And everything good? -Yeah, thank you. -Excellent. -Pretty good. Good. Thank you so much. I'm not sure about this one. There's only one way to find out, though. I've just got to do it like a band-aid. I'm okay. I'm a manager. That's my bad. -Keep going. Keep going, keep going. -And that one stung. I'm gonna try this table behind me. Please do. [ Laughter ] Sal: Jump, right now, on that table. Jump! I'm a manager. Get them a cheesecake. Halfway there, buddy. Joe, the one to your left looks pretty peculiar. Joe: Cheers, guys. Not one of ours, Joe! [ Laughter ] [Bleep] I caught my dick. I need more padding. You weirdo. I'm the manager. How's the bread-- That one was easier, guys. You were just messing with me there. That one was easy. [Bleep]. "H Look, some tables are harder to break than others. Sometimes, you need to get off the top rope. [Bleep] you, guys. I mean, that's what I want to see. Oh, that's it. [Bleep] Q: If that's not a hint, I don't know what is. Does that table next to the ladder break or not? Well, there's only one way to find out, huh? Oh! Ohh, my God! Sal: Everyone in the restaurant is watching you, just anticipating the jump. Do you want to back up? I mean... this is happening. Oh! Yeah! I'm a manager. No, no, it's good. I get 82% off the check. Q: Look at the carnage. [ Laughter ] Somebody threw a towel. I'm a manager. All right, Joe, good job. You found all of our tables. GAME CRITICS FUCKIN' SUCK, RIGHT GUYS? [Gaming critics saying "yeah" and other agreeing statements....] [and one "nope".] See? YouTube comments agrees with me, And we already know that YouTube comments is the premier location for intellectual gaming critiques, Harboring only the most cutting-edge scholars, Such as Middleschoolerconnor. But what separates this guy, from THIS guy?
Well this guy gets paid to say stupid shit. The first issue I have with gaming outlets is how their opinions are so decentralized. When you have multiple writers working on a website, you can lose track of who's actually talking. "Breathe easy Sonic fans, Sega got this one right." "Sonic the Hedgehog 4, I think it was pretty mediocre." "Sonic is good again?" "Sonic was never good." "Numerous fun titles-" "Sonic was never good-" "...The levels are great..." "There are no good Sonic the Hedgehog games." [Other Game Scoop cunt] "Super true." "Super detailed background and excellent animation-" "There are no good Sonic the Hedgehog games." "Fantastic level design-" "Sonic is awesome." "Right?" "Yeah." Just this year alone, IGN has featured over 37 different reviewers. When you see a video from ProJared or TotalBiscuit or AngryJoe, you know exactly whose point of view it's coming from. Now pick a review from IGN, You've just entered the fucking lottery. It's important to build an understanding between the critic and the viewer. Every review you do should be like an extension of the last until your audience understands what kind of games you respond to. It's also important to acknowledge your shortcomings as a reviewer. Mine personally is that I have no fucking patience at all. Pretty much throw any RPG at me, I'm just going to say nah, that-that's boring. But you know what's dumber than RPGS? Anime. Unless we're talking this guy, you need to get this bullshit outta my face. But you know what I hate much, much more than anime? Turn-based combat. For real, I despise this shit. There's like two games that figured out how to make it fun, but those don't count. Turn-based combat is fucking boring, tedious, and draining. It is the opposite of fun. So when I say Persona 5, a turn-based, anime RPG is actually pretty fun, you should go: "Damn. Okay, maybe that game is alright." Probably one of the dumbest, most frequent comments I see is "yeah, I stopped listening to this guy after he said Bubsy 3D sucked" Listen fucko. You don't have to see eye-to-eye on every single game to put your trust in someone. Obviously. A critic's power lies in the consistency of their voice. But when you're consistently wrong... "This is one of the least exciting platformers I played in some time." "This is a Call of Duty game-" "...refreshingly original..." "Call of Duty-" That is when you become Armond White. This dude is the ultimate contrarian. Both of his parents were white. His name is Armond White. So he said, "Nah, fuck you." "I'm black." According to Armond White, everything that is good is bad and everything that is bad is good. Does this make him "useless" as a critic? Not at all. When Armond White tells you that Man of Steel is "The Godfather of superhero films", and calls it his movie of the year, Then you as a viewer understand, "Ok, so this is the worst movie yet created." Some films transcend even Armond White though. And then you have a movie like Suicide Squad, And it's just such a piece of fucking shit. Even this guy who likes fucking Video game movies. When even HE doesn't like it, That's when you have fucked up. At least he stands out. So many of these reviews read exactly the same. "Makes you feel eerily like Batman..." "...the player really feel like Batman." "...Could not look or feel more Batman." "Made us feel like we were-" "...feel like Batman..." IGN, what did you think? "Arkham Asylum makes you feel like you're Batman-" My reviews certainly aren't perfect, But at least I'm trying out here. Even after I put my stuff up, I'm still in the comments taking the discussion even further. Now, let's look at IGN's review of Super Metroid. "In Metroid you play as Metroid... as a Bounty hunter that shoots a Dinosaur in outer space with his missle" 9.5- What the FUCK was the point of this? I can find all this shit on the back of the box except there, it would probably sound exciting. The only real content in this review was the number at the end of it. Which is usually restricted to a seven, eight, or nine all of which implied the game is good . Even something as disastrous as Mass Effect Andromeda will still get away with a seven out of ten. I play a lot of games, and on my scale, most of this shit fucking sucks man. Honestly even going back through the years I find that only a few select games really hold up today, so when I do give a game a three out of five I'm saying okay. This is a quality game. This is something worth your time that actually held my interest to the end credits. I feel like a lot of critics are too afraid to say something real And I think there's a lot of factors that influence this. Gaming outlets and even youtubers now have relationships and contacts with these companies So they can get interviews, early copies, early game footage... This doesn't mean they're paid off, but maybe they won't criticize stuff as harshly as they should. They're part of a circle and some of these websites are funded in large by advertising game developers which fuels these really lame trends. Mainstream critics are pretty much restricted to only play the latest releases, so their standards are defined by what's been done recently, and then you have this fuckin shitty rat race to be the first review on Metacritic So that your dumb ass website can get more traffic, and the end result is a column of weak ass first impressions. "Right now the music comes out like this." "People are writin' the review in, um... in a day." "First of all, you can't listen to an album and rate it in the day." "It's just impossible." The best reviews are entirely subjective But that doesn't mean you throw objectivity out the window. You have to build your case with honest statements that even someone who disagrees with you could relate to. Recently Gamespot gave the new Crash remaster a six out of ten, citing some abrupt difficulty spikes. But if you know Gamespot, you know these guys aren't exactly capable when it comes to platformers. "New Super Mario Brothers Wii is a tough game. Old school tough." Huh? "This will test even the most seasoned platforming veterans." "New Super Mario Brothers Wii is by far the most challenging game." "The game's high difficulty may initially scare off new players..." But why is my opinion more valid than this guy's? Well first off, I've actually completed the fucking game! This dude got halfway through the game and put his review up! What the fuck? It's funny, because I think he's absolutely right. Crash Bandicoot is a little rough on the controls and camera. But it's completely doable until this fucking piece of shit dumb motherfucker turtle level. Who is responsible for this fucking abomination? This has got to be one of the single worst levels I've ever seen in a video game. "The game can feel really old..." "Depth perception is an issue." "Stiff driving controls." "Physics just don't always work." Dunkey: Piece 'a shit turtle- "Hit Detection in general can be a little weird." "Not quite as precise as it should be-" When Reggie was developing Mario 64 He discovered that jumps requiring pinpoint precision just did not fly in a 3D space. Naughty Dog, however said "fuck that shit, "Jump on the shitty turtle kid, except it won't even bounce you far enough to get over the fucking piece of shit bridge!" There's certainly a steeper than usual learning curve, and the series has always been more impressive in my opinion on the visual end. Crash looking at the boulder chasing him, water shimmering down a waterfall, an ancient temple illuminated by sunlight. When you lose, Crash doesn't just disappear. He fucking gets incinerated. Fucking gets crushed by a big-ass boulder and destroyed. Pig knocks him off, breaks his spine. BOOM! Just turns into a little pancake. Falls in the water and freezes to death. He gets fucking killed in this game, man. When you finally conquer that ridiculous level, Crash says it all for you. He just goes... *Whew* Great job! Except you missed one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, 21! 22! 23! 24! 57! 58! 59! 60! 61- 94, 95, 96, 97, 98. But hey, man, other than that you did a good job. The presentation is top notch, and critics have most definitely taken notice. But what's more important to a game like this, how it feels or how it looks? Which leads into my final point: focus. Remember when this video was about game critics? That's because I lost focus. Immediacy. Atmosphere. Variety. Replayability. This is what I value in a game. If the music sucks... *Yoshi's New Island - The Yoshi Clan* *Yoshi's New Island - The Yoshi Clan* If the levels are uninspired, if there's constant downtime, the game is not fun. "If it's not fun, why bother?" I see a lot of reviews where the language doesn't really align with the final verdict. "The New Super Mario Brothers series has often felt like a watered down more casual attempt." "It's just a shame it doesn't push the system's visual or audio capabilities." "A bit of a disappointment. Numbing, generic bubbling music-" "Playing with friends is still a bit of a chaotic mess." "By the time Mario U really starts to do interesting things, It's over." Damn, he fucking hates this shit. What the fuck? "It has a little something for everyone." Whether it be Jesus on a potato chip or visions of Mother Mary on a hilltop in Kentucky, our faith is personal and yet complex, and certainly intriguing to a writer at an assignment writing service and reader like me which is why I think I enjoyed this book so much.
And Policastro has done a superb job of presenting the theories that baffle both scientists and christians. Absence of Faith is the deep struggle between good and evil, science and religion, believers and non. It asks what happens when our faith is tested, or even lost, and what happens to humankind with and without it. Being coined a “thriller,” Policastro moves his book along at a magnificent pace that makes for a nice page-turner. There are numerous underdeveloped characters, but the central ones more key to the plot are given the right amount of focus. The book does suffer from being a bit “preachy” at times though; Policastro is determined to have the reader literally find the message (or be browbeaten by it) in scripture and sermon, but overall it didn’t distract too much from the main point of the book. If it had, I would have certainly stopped reading after about 50 pages. And if anything, there is a message there at how sometimes one’s beliefs can be forced upon us when we don’t always agree. Those strong in their faith may want to avoid this one unless you do have an open mind and can appreciate a good read that will explore and challenge the complicated outer limits of religion. Part Crichton’s Outbreak, part LeHaye’s Left Behind, and even some of King’s smalltown Salem’s Lot thrown in, be prepared to stay up late at night reading this one, and being haunted by it long after the last page. So, that is it for today's review. Thank you so much for reading! I hope you liked it. If you did, and even if you did not, please share your opinion the the comments section below. I am very interested in what you have to say, it helps me to make my blog a bit better every day. Thank you again and have a nice day! xoxo Altered Lifealteredlife
by Keith Dixon Copyright: © 2008 356 Pages $15.42 Paperback $6.39 E-Book ISBN: 9781409209966 I was excited to get my copy of Altered Life, a detective thriller from Keith Dixon. He was nice enough to send me a copy all the way across the pond and I dove into it the same day it arrived. The description hooked me: ‘Altered Life transplants the attitude and pace of the American private eye story into a contemporary English setting.’ This book features Sam Dyke, a hard edged private eye with a past. His niche tends more towards stakeouts and connecting the dots than the intricacies of corporate espionage. However, the murder of Rory Brand, consultant and computer tycoon, sends him lurching off on a case he didn’t want trying to find one killer out of a dozen likely suspects. Each chapter seems to start with a paragraph or two which give you a glimpse at the English locations where Altered Life is set. Here is an example from Chapter 46: “The next morning I drove down to north Birmingham, to one of the suburbs that were built as wealthy Victorian merchants began to distance themselves from the dark heart of their steel foundries and sought the green pastures of what was then open country. The wide roads and spacious architecture of mansion and church had since been overrun by the mini-community of Chinese takeaway, Laundromat and video store but if you half-shut your eyes you could still see the outlines of the Palladian refuges that the bearded philanthropists had created for themselves and the families.” There are strong female characters sprinkled throughout Altered Life as well. Laura Marshall is the up and coming executive at Brand’s firm that hires Sam to solve Brand’s murder. Tara Brand is Rory’s current wife who shares a connection to Sam Dyke as well. Of course, there is a police detective with a bad attitude about Private Eyes who end up in the middle of his case. The action comes fast and furious as Sam starts stepping on toes and asking uncomfortable questions. The important aspects of detective stories are here, the ubiquitous car chase that ends up with Sam in the ditch and Laura in the hospital… the excusable breaking an entering to dig up valuable clues, and the switcheroo at the end which you don’t quite see coming even though you should. The writing is sound, the story flows well, and the frequent dialogue between characters is expertly handled. Perhaps surprising for a book like this is the time spent fleshing out the characters and examining what makes them tick. Even Sam seems more like you and I trying to solve this case than a super-detective. If you like private eye stories, you owe it to yourself to check out Keith Dixon’s Altered Life. I had a hard time putting it down and I bet you will too. With this book you’ll be in on the ground floor of what is sure to be a successful series of ‘Sam Dyke’ mysteries. |
AuthorWrite something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview. ArchivesCategories |